Heaven
by Starsinger1000
Summary: All those modern teenage dramas lied. She had read some of them, just to „keep up to date". Somehow their obstacles of immortality were always overcome by making more immortals. Tessa loathed it. It was clear that those writers and readers had no idea what real immortality meant. It was never a blessing. Always a curse.


**Let's assume Tessa didn't end up going traveling with Jem after all those years. In fact, in this story he's not even mentioned, sorry guys.**

**All rights belong to Cassandra Clare.**

She remembered. Everything. It had been decades since she'd last seen him, and still she hadn't forgotten a single moment she'd spent with him.

To her it seemed like all those years since he'd had to leave her had been a dream, an illusion, fogged by the mist of apathy and indifference.

She had tried to find comfort in other things. She had liked the sixties. It was the age of the rise of women to independence and the years of insouciance and freedom.

Will would have hated it. He'd loved his role of the protector for his family. Especially towards Tessa and later also James and Lucie. But their dependence on and natural need for parental guidance and affections had ceased with the years., whereas Tessa never grew tired of the inner reassurance of Will's love toward her and his desire to protect and cherish her. And Will never seemed to grow weary of it, either.

Even as time progressed and the natural signs of age kept showing on his still beautiful features, she always felt sheltered and safe with him.

Every night he wrapped his warm body around hers, taking her in his strong arms marked with old runes that never fully faded from his skin, creating a shell for her as if to guard her from whatever evil might burst through their bedroom door.

All those modern teenage dramas lied. She had read some of them, just to „keep up to date". (An advice given to her by Magnus, the only person she sometimes would confide in, and the only one who ever saw her cry). They were filled with abstract tales of vampires and werewolves and other supernatural creatures, creating a false image of them (which Tessa guessed was a good thing).

Somehow_ their_ obstacles of immortality were always overcome by making more immortals. Tessa loathed it. It was clear that those writers and readers had no idea what real immortality meant.

It was never a blessing. Always a curse.

Seeing people die, nations fail, whole cultures break. Someday you simply reached a point where you grew weary of everything, not caring about anything, indifferent to the suffering and happiness around you.

Everytime she read the words „Someday you will grow tired of me, when I am old and wrinkly and weak" by those always beautiful book characters, asking for eternal youth and beauty, she had to stifle a scoff. That was the biggest lie of all.

If you truly loved someone you never „grew tired" of them. You stayed with them through the happiness and the suffering, through joy and trials.

Tessa's dearest wish had never been eternal life with Will. It had been an ending one. Growing old together, feeling the hidden and the obvious signs of age together, dying together...those were the things she'd always longed for.

She thought back to the day death took him from her. It had been unsuspected. One night he went to bed with her, and the next morning he didn't wake up.

She hadn't cried or screamed or pleaded for him to wake up. Not until days after, when she finally had been alone, when she'd heard everybody say how sorry they were for her loss, and then watching them go back to their normal lives.

Only then had she allowed her feelings to surface. Crouched in the corner of the bedroom, on the wide windowsill pressing her tearful face to the cold glass, in their bed where the sheets still smelled of him.

And then she'd left. Her children and grandchildren. She knew she would not be able to stand seeing them leave her as well.

She was never completely gone though. Hidden from then, she came back every couple of years, watching certain episodes of their lives, her face full of tears. Tears of grief, for she missed them so much and wanted nothing more than to walk over to them and kiss and caress and love them like before. And tears of joy, for she got to see her grandchildren grow up, marry, have their own children.

Now all that seemed so far away. It seemed farther away than her time with Will, even though that had been long, sometimes _much _longer, before all those things.

If she had one wish, only one, it wouldn't be bringing Will back. It would be to take her to wherever he was now.

As she walked the streets on this christmas eve, the London around her seemed to taunt her with its natural holiday feeling to it, the colorful lights emanating from light bulbs, the happy songs floating toward her from churches or family homes, the beautiful white snow...

No matter where she had ever lived in her long life, on this day, she always came back to London. She walked over to the Institute, stood across the street under a birch tree, and watched it, sometimes for hours, not caring that nobody ever walked out.

On the contrary, she was even glad about it. She always just wanted to stand there and reflect on her past life, relive all the happy memories.

She had just left her spot there, wiped the tears from her eyes and made her way back to the hotel where she was currently staying.

She went passed shop windows decorated with christmas-themed offers of any kind.

She pulled up her shoulders, shoved her gloved hands into her pockets and pulled her hat deeper into her face.

She stopped in front of a window filled with toys. Not the modern, fancy kind, like nintendos, remote-controlled cars or helicopters or mini-radios. No, the display was filled with wooden trains, baby dolls, and little rocking horses.

It was filled with the kind of toys she'd once upon a time stood in front of with Will, trying to decide which ones to get for their little baby that was on its way.

She could still see and feel Will in front of her, how he'd bent down, a hand on her slightly swollen stomach and spoken to the tiny person inside-which he then had called „Junior"-asking it if it could tell his parents if it was going to be a boy or a girl, so they could decide on what toys to get.

He had pretended to listen to a voice, dropping the occational „Oh?" and „Aha!" and „Alright!".

Tessa had giggled, her hand in his beautiful dark hair.

She put her hand on her stomach now, wishing to feel his hand there, where it had been so long ago.

From the corner of her eyes she saw a movement and a young couple strolled down the street towards her. He had his arm wrapped around her and her head rested on his shoulder.

Dreamily Tessa watched them talking and joking with each other. When he pointed towards the window of the toy shop, they stopped at the other end of the display. When he bent down to the stomach of the woman after a few moments and said something, Tessa's knees buckled.

She had to put her hand onto the glass of the window for support, her sight blurring with tears she couldn't keep from running down her cheeks. Her breath became rapid and turned into a sobbing.

From afar she could hear the woman ask her if she was alright, felt a hand on her back, but she couldn't answer. She couldn't do anything but wishing to die at this moment, to never feel anything again.

When she heard them disuss if they should call an ambulance, Tessa straightened herself and silently, slowly walked away.

She didn't hear them calling after her and didn't look up.

Her feet led her to Hyde Park and only when she reached the iron gate did she look up. She wasn't surprised to find herself there.  
Deep down inside she'd known what to do. She had thought about it often during her time after Will, but knew that what she desired was not what her husband would want for her. She knew he would be disappointed with her. Maybe angry. She had only ever avoided it for him.

But one-hundred-and-fifty years were long enough. And almost a hundred years without Will even longer.

Being immortal didn't mean being invincible. And she knew that very well.

So now she had a clear aim.

Now, that she was at a point of no return, her troubled feelings settled down and her tears stopped. Almost calm did she looked up through the trees to the almost full moon, accompanied by thousands and thousands of stars.

She remembered a time when Will had taken her up to the rooftop of the institute, lain down with her and tried to find constellations for her.

When he couldn't find any more, Tessa asked if they could count the stars together. „Okay", he'd said, „Let me start. One, two.", and had pointed to her eyes.

Now, in the park, Tessa didn't cry at the memory, she smiled to herself.

When she reached The Serpentine, dividing Hyde Park and Kensington Gardens, she saw that it was covered by a layer of thin ice.

She let her coat slide off her shoulders and pulled her hat and gloves off, dropping them carelessly into the snow.

As she broke her foot through the ice and waded deeper into the water, she barely felt the biting cold. The thought, that all her suffering would soon come to an end, warmed her insides.

When the water reached up to her chest, she dipped under once, letting the cold waves clash together over her head. After she surfaced she stayed where she was for a few more minutes, before making her way back to the shore and lying down in the snow.

First the numbness got hold of her hands and feet, then made its way up her arms and legs to claim her whole body.

_Immortality...what a laughable idea_, was the last thought that crossed her mind, before sweet oblivion took her into a comforting, dreamless darkness...

A breeze caressed Tessa's face and she detected soft murmurs around her._ No!_, she thought without opening her eyes. _No! No! No! It didn't work! _Silent tears left her eyes and streamed down the sides of her face, across her temples, and got caught in her hair and ears. She didn't want to open her eyes and get up to find herself back in the world she no longer belonged into.

But then she stopped. The breeze was..._warm_?

Still somewhat reluctantly she slowly opened her eyes. Sunlight shone from above directly at her, but for some reason it didn't blind her. She sat up and took a look around.

She was sitting on a green meadow, flowers of any kind around her. There were green hills as far as she could see and in the distance she saw the rooftops of a little town and single houses spread across the green. It reminded her of her many visits to Ireland, but the grass seemed greener, the sun brighter, the wind softer and everything..._more real._

The murmuring she'd heard before was the wind sweeping through the grass.

Overwhelmed she fell back and closed her eyes again.

„And there I thought you would come running straight into my arms, Mrs. Herondale."

Tessa whirled around. Even without the usual blinding of sunlight, it was as if her eyes needed to adjust to the sight in front of her.

„Will", she whispered. He looked no older than on the day she'd first met him, wearing a white button-up shirt whose sleeves were rolled up to his elbows and dark trousers held by braces. The upturned corners of his mouth were shaking slightly and his eyes glistened.

„My Tess", he said and opened his arms. She jumped up and ran on bare feet straight into his arms. She _threw _herself at him, wrapped arms and feet around him and held him tighter than ever before in her life. He returned her desperate embrace and kept on whispering her name in her ear, while Tessa was sobbing uncontrollably, plastering kisses all over his face.

It seemed an eternity-a wonderful eternity-until Will loosened his grip on her and let her slide down until her feet touched the ground. He still had his arms wrapped around her, but now he could actually look at her.

„My Tess.", he repeated and kissed her forehead. „I am so proud of you."

„Is this heaven?", she whispered.

„It is now.", Will answered and his smile grew wider.

**Please let me know what you think of it=)**

**I also decided to write more TID one shots and maybe drabbles, but I need YOUR help to do it=) Just send a review with a scene and/or pairing request and I'll see what I can do;)**


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